Thank You For Your Call, But I May Be Dying

I'm wondering if all this time at home has made me a vindictive, horrible, mean little man...

Earlier today I was having a typical moment with my heart, it was going around 180 bpm and I was sat there doing my shit, debating how long I should leave it before I make the call to the girls and boys in green when the phone rang.

Now when the house phone rings I've got to answer it for two reasons... Firstly, it might be Bristol, calling to say they've finally got me a slot for my eagerly awaited surgery and could I pack up my shit and get on the first train there.

Secondly, it might be my Wife and if I don't immediately answer the phone she may make the assumption that I am dead... or dying and send the riot van round complete with Sally the door-smasher-in'er with the rest of Carmarthens emergency services, including the coastguard for fear I've flooded the kitchen with the washing machine again and am stuck floating in the middle on a pizza tray with nothing but a pot noodle and she knows how much I hate pot noodles.

Anyway, I gasp a hello into the phone and realise its neither of them as a cheery voice echoes down receiver following a short click... 'Hello there, how are you today sir?' Now I could have just hung up or said I wasn't interested but nah, I felt she really cared about my well being and thought I should be nothing but open and honest with her.  

'I'm not feeling to good' I replied. Not waiting for a response I continued 'I've got this really bad chest pain and my hearts beating around 200 beats a minute, I think I might need to call an ambulance and I'm probably going to need to be defibrillated, shock my heart back into rhythm....'

By this time I had returned to the sofa and was hanging upside down in an attempt to bring my bpm back down to normal. 

'Oh, so is now not a good time to discuss your broadband options?'  came her stuttered reply.

'No... actually I fucking tell you what Susan, yes lets discuss my broadband options. I'll just go outside and hail a fucking taxi to get me to A&E. When I'm there I may go a little quiet for a few minutes, but don't worry that's just them knocking me out with anaesthetic so they can power 120 joules of electricity through my body in the hope to shock my heart back into a normal persons rhythm. But I'll be straight back on the blower when I've regained consciousness though. Tell you what, while I doze off into dreamland I'll pass you onto the team of Doctors, nurses, anaesthetists and porters so you can discuss their broadband options too, yeah? Well it looks like you've hit fucking gold today Susan, we might break a deal before I even get to hospital now where theres a chance I may die and I'll already be locked into a 2 year rolling contract which being dead, I'll be unable to cancel! Oh you could be in the money here my love, you'll be able to retire on the commission alone!'

Bloody cold callers, I tell you...