They Can Rebuild Me...

'Unfortunately Dr Stuart has been off with back problems...' The nurse said and judging by the pile of notes in which she had struggled to lumber into the room I wondered if I had been the sole cause of it. With my Doctor having conversed with various other consultants from my local hospital on  a weekly basis, lugging out Volume 2 of my notes to every phone call may very well have 'done him over.'

The drive up was glorious, the sun was shining and the traffic flowing like a quiet stream on a summers day. While the Wife allowed me to take the wheel on the way up, I was not permitted to also make the drive home. This didn't matter as by then I would have medicated myself to the point of unconsciousness and the journey would seem like a quiet dream.

Parking was a breeze also. Ever the victory is finding somewhere to park near the Hospital full stop, let alone within the first few minutes of arriving. That accomplishment is definitely going on my Top Ten Hospital Arrivals, right next to the Presidential Style Escort I received many years ago.

The wait within the clinic was short too, only a few minutes there and I'd been called in to get my ECG done. I made the usual passing comment 'I'm Dextrocardia' and braced myself to elaborate my condition further. There was no need, I was dealing with a pro here. Unlike the last time in which a Nurse, Sister, Doctor and finally a Cardiologist arrived on the scene to absolutely confirm that yes, the chest leads go on the opposite way with the limb leads staying the same. Had I known then that I was in for such a waxing with all the uber-sticky-stickers being stuck on and ripped off I would have taken the effort to shave it off myself beforehand. There was no such questions or confusion this time though... Bam! on they went and Bam! off they came, next patient please! 'Mooooooooo!' Like a cow being passed through to the next field.

The pre-op nurse was lovely and flicking her way through the pile of my notes so large that it would have brought a tear to even George R R Martins eye, the discussion began.  She asked if I'd been hospital in the last six months... We all had a good chuckle at that one, but believe me the tears were real. She hadn't seen me at the hospital before so was trying to get up to speed with my history, discussions were had whether she should have a quick peek at Volume 1 of my notes, but then dismissed that idea as it would be to time consuming to get the JCB out to bring the round.
She then went on to explain what exactly the surgery would entail...

The catheter AV Node ablation is a procedure in which cryogenic freezing is used to ablate the atrioventricular node in an effort to stop the Super-ventricular Tachycardia... Sound simple, yeah? I've no fucking clue either.

Basically they shove a load of wires up into my heart, give it a little zap from the inside to initiate the fast rhythm then freeze away the bits of tissue that are acting all silly. IF that doesn't work then they'll go straight for the AV Node and get rid of that, effectively wiping out my own hearts pace maker, thus making me 100% reliant on my newly fitted electronic pacemaker, so I implore you, please do not come near me with a magnet or any electrical device that could possibly hinder or stop it as yes, I may fucking die and it will be all your fault.

But the hope is that once this had been done I should encounter no more trips to A&E on a weekly basis, which is a shame really as I'm gonna miss my 4am chats with the Ambulance crew and Resus staff. But I'll be back fighting fit... Bigger... Stronger... Faster... They can rebuild me... They have the technology...